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| I'm getting seriously sick of being sad. I mean, this constant pressure, this relentless self-loathing, it really has to stop. Log this down for me, yeah? about 9 pm, I get home from spending the day with two guy friends (shut up, they're just friends) and see my mother for the first time all day. SEVERE headache from lack of food. In dire need of two Tylenol and a nap. Unfortunately, my mother had the worst day ever (apparently thanks to my not being at home, even though she worked today) and would not stop talking for anything in the world... and then yelled at me for not shutting up. By 11:30-ish, I was crying a little and the rock was back in my gut.
Really now? Am I back to this mess?!
I'm just going to keep track of my mood swings and pray this one ends before Su's bachelorette party tomorrow night.
TTYLLYLADIOS,
Saundra | | |
| So it seems that we graders survive solely on weak coffee and Nerds. On that note, I'm fairly certain myself and my co-worker Lynda have gone insane from a lack of actual nutrition. Either way, work is a blast! I read the strangest responses ever while gossiping with another spastic female and contemplating art.
That reminds me... I still need to create something for the Student Gallery at SAC! O_O
Crap.
Well, I'll give it a shot I suppose.... The worst that could happen is they reject it, right? I'm fairly certain they can't burn it, spit on the ashes, then scoop them into a used doggy doo bag and hand them over to me, right? Blarg, I'll figure something out.
.....
*Ahem.*
I know my last post was... less than optimistic. I'm really bad about censoring my own thoughts, especially when it comes to just how drastically my mood can pummel. It really isn't a new thing for me to get like this... Honestly, my mood has always hopped up and down sort of hysterically. I don't get much warning, if any... I just wake up one morning and I'm depressed/happy and stuck like that for the day/week/month/season, depending. I just don't know depending on what! Do you see my dilemma? And it's not like it doesn't really affect my lifestyle... Every relationship I've had has failed because I/they can't cope with my temperment changes. I either end up insecure and freak out or end up insecure and get dumped. My last guy dumped me, by the way. Did you know that? I wasn't entirely shocked. What shocked me was just how bitter he got at me after the split! I mean, really?! Don't dump me, then tell our mutual friends that it was the other way around!
But yeah.
Single.
Employed.
Getting better at whatever it is that I hope to turn into a career.
Fairly certain I won't be dead any time soon. Or at least, never by my own hand.
( I don't want to give anyone the satisfaction of knowing they broke my spirit. :3)
TTYLLYLCiao,
Saundra | | |
| OH SHIT.
I just saw that last post I put up....
Ummmm, let me go ahead and update.
So I've been single since mid-December, I want to say, and pretty darn happy about it. For you see, he had this horrible tendency to remind me: if we were Inuit, we'd totally be married already because he had taken me out of the city limits or something equally creepy... Yeah. Never make marriage comments when you've only dated for 3-ish months. It terrifies women.
I've been all sorts of.... depressed. Yeah. Not because I'm single. I think years of being the failure and the oddball have finally taken their toll on my already strained sanity. Nonetheless I am trying to give of the semblance of a normal life... to minimal avail. For one, I smoke. A lot. Well, a lot as of late. And I've been walking around with what feels like a ten pound medicine ball in the spot right under my breastbone. I'm tired, I'm always pissed off, and I don't have nearly enough patience to deal with my family, not even the members of it that I like! I mean, there are days when I will wake up perfectly content and go to bed sobbing my heart out over NOTHING. It never ceases to terrify me. Being henpecked doesn't help and that's what I usually am... I think what frustrates me the most is the fact that I don't discuss this with anyone. My family doesn't know how often I've been crying like this. My friends don't know that I'm always exhausted because I have simply given up on my own future entirely. I'm just kind of... here. And now I feel like my mind is atrophying away. I don't like my vocabulary, but I can't focus for long enough to read. That's right, I said it. I haven't been reading. At least not the way I used to read. I want to so badly but nothing holds my attention. Hell, I've been barely able to draw, and that used to occupy 90% of my time and energy. I don't cook anymore and cooking used to make me so happy... I don't play video games for longer than 5 to 10 minutes at a time. I just... don't know anymore. Some days, I just want someone to sit next to me in silence. At least then I won't feel so isolated.
Ugh, TL;DR.... Sorry, that sounded far more "emo" than it was meant to. I just haven't felt like myself...
Either way, ttyllylg'night,
Saundra
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| Hullo all!!!
Ummmm, let me first say that I'm in no way sorry that i haven't posted on this dinosaur, and here's why! One, I have a boyfriend. He takes up 90% of my time and I take up 90% of his paychecks, despite my best efforts to be less pricey... Two, I have TWO JOBS. Leave me alone. Let me sleep. Three!!! I'm just plain lazy. Nuff said.
In any case, yesterday was my 1 month anniversary with JD. Yup, a friggin month and he's not sick of me yet. Thats a good sign, right? You know, I didn't think he would act the way he does, at least i didn't when we were initially going out. He can be a smart ass, and overly cruel, and just plain irritating. BUT. He treats me like a queen. He opens doors, he pays for my movie tickets, he rubs my neck, he gives me cigarettes. For my birthday, he took me to the LACMA because I said an ideal date would be chilling in an art museum with a guy, and bought me the pink chucks I wanted. He makes me feel loved, not to mention SAFE. Yeah, I said it. He makes me feel safe. The fact that he "drives me wild" is just a perk as far as I'm concerned.
Also, back at Talbots for the holidays, but not getting a ton of hours. Bummed about that but... meh.
lol, ttyllylciao,
Saundra | | |
| So yesterday was my big date with Mike to see Zombieland and I have to say, I learned a few things. Firstly that the first rule of surviving a zombie attack is cardio, second that Mike is very warm, and third that zombie-comedies are sooo much more fun when your wrapped up in someone's arms. What made me quite happy was the fact that this guy not only spent the entire movie with his arms around me, but he did not at any time attempt to force anything sexual. I mean, he would periodically lean over and kiss me, but that was it. I saw the entire movie, he saw the entire movie, and we both found it funny as hell.
See, I'm not a terribly complicated person. I enjoy being held, or rather I enjoy physical contact. I like funny movies. I like grisly comics. I like twisted jokes. Sometimes I want to talk until my head falls off, sometimes I just want to listen (especially if my throat is fucked up like it is right now from the flu). Anyways, this guy has been doing rather well so far so I think he may be worth keeping around for a while. i genuinely like him.
so ttyllylwishmeluck,
Saundra | | |
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